Benjamin Doyle

Parliamentarian, teacher… Subway’s next spokesman?

In a week that’s been as chaotic as a climate protest outside Fonterra, New Zealand’s political soap opera continues. The big question on everyone's lips this Monday morning: Is Benjamin Doyle returning to work this week as a Green MP?

Spoiler alert: No, probably not. And honestly, who’s surprised?

After a flurry of “deeply disturbing” social media posts surfaced, posts so eyebrow-raising they may as well have been written by a sentient Reddit thread, Doyle has taken a conspicuous leave of absence.

So, what’s next for Doyle? With his political career circling the drain faster than a single-use plastic straw at a Green Party barbecue, speculation is rife.

Might he return to the teaching world, where he once said the “best part of the day” was “hanging out with school kids at lunchtime”? A statement which, though surely innocent at the time, now lands with all the subtlety of a punch in a compost bin.

Or perhaps, in a bold pivot, Doyle could become the new face of Subway. After all, the sandwich chain does have a certain history of choosing controversial spokespeople. Jared Fogle held the title for years before being handed a 15-year sentence for crimes that make your skin crawl and your sandwich go cold.

Subway, if you're reading this, may we recommend doing a lot of background checks this time.

Let’s be real. New Zealanders probably aren’t lining up to see Doyle back in Parliament. He’s managed to alienate voters, colleagues, and probably a few family members in just under a week. Impressive, really.

So maybe Subway is the best option. The uniform is green. The party was green. It’s practically fate.

And if that falls through, there’s always a spot on “Dancing with the Stars.” Though we suspect the only thing he’ll be dancing around is accountability.