Birth control in a Cody's can

The government's new plan to stop the breeding cycle of benefit babies

In what is being described as a "cost-saving and population control breakthrough," the New Zealand Government has announced a controversial pilot programme to add contraceptives to Cody’s Bourbon & Cola, known nationwide as Court Case in a Can.

The initiative, officially dubbed the "Cody’s for Contraception Act", aims to curb what Finance Minister Nicola Willis described as “generational welfare dependency fuelled by 12-packs of regret.”

“Everyday hardworking Kiwis are paying taxes while solo mums on the benefit are at home shotgunning Cody’s by 11am and popping out kids like it’s a loyalty programme,” said Minister for Social Development Louise Upston. “We're simply cutting them off at the source.”

The policy will see all liquor store Cody’s cans laced with a slow-release hormonal contraceptive. “It won’t affect taste, just fertility,” said an official from the Ministry of Innovation, who admitted the policy came out of a Friday drinks brainstorm session gone rogue.

Labour have slammed the move as “barbaric,” “paternalistic,” and “a potential breach of at least nine international human rights conventions.”

Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick, visibly distressed during the press conference, called the policy “a dystopian blend of eugenics and liquor control” and labelled it "State-sanctioned chemical warfare on the poor."

“This is torture,” she declared. “They’re literally putting IUDs in the RTDs.”

Chris Hipkins added, “We already trialled something like this a few years ago. This is just lazy policy.”

The policy is set to roll out in South Auckland and parts of Northland where, according to the Treasury, "Cody’s is drunk more than water and babies are conceived faster than Matua Kahurangi subscriptions."

Meanwhile, a Change.org petition titled "Hands Off My Cody's!" has already gained 56,000 signatures and a march is being organised outside Parliament where protesters will be drinking unmedicated Cody’s in solidarity.

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