Chris Hipkins’ Speech: A Masterclass in leftist buzzword bingo

Chris Hipkins got up at Labour’s Auckland conference this weekend and unleashed an absolute torrent of hollow slogans, woke word salad, and reheated nonsense. Because of course he did. When you’re leading the second most useless political party in the country (shoutout to the Greens for keeping that top spot warm), what else can you offer besides performative outrage and identity politics bingo?

The speech was classic Hipkins. Smug, preachy, and completely detached from reality. He opened by declaring the Coalition Government “out of ideas, out of touch, and out of time.” Which is rich coming from the guy whose party had six years in power and managed to achieve absolutely fuck all except running up the debt, trashing the health system, and pushing ideology no one asked for.

You’d think after getting thrashed in the last election, Hipkins might have taken the hint. But no. This was Labour in full denial mode. They’re clinging to the same tired lines, talking to the same echo chamber, and pretending they’re still the moral compass of the country. They're a bloody clown show.

He accused Luxon and Willis of “ideological vanity projects” while pretending Labour didn’t blow billions on their own delusional crusades. Kiwibuild? A joke. Mental health funding? All talk, no delivery. Now here he is, railing against tax cuts like it’s some kind of crime to let people keep their own money.

Then came the emotional blackmail. Whining about “low-paid Kiwi women” bearing the brunt of National’s policies. Spare us the moral outrage. You don’t get to play hero now after years of incompetence.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Labour speech without the ritualistic nod to every demographic group under the sun. Māori, Pākehā, Pasifika, Asian, young, old, gay, straight, trans, rich, poor. He listed them all like he was ticking boxes on a DEI audit. If you were breathing, he said Labour “sees you.” Unless you’re a white tradie in the provinces. Then you’re probably just a problem to be managed.

And where was Gaza? Where was climate change? Two of the left’s favourite obsessions and Hipkins didn’t even bother pretending to care. What happened, Chris? Forgot your international virtue signals at home?

He wheeled out the usual crap about fairness, unity, and “clean water for the children” like some kind of sanctimonious NPC. Then he had the gall to talk about Labour creating jobs, fixing healthcare, and building homes. Mate, you had six f***ing years. You didn’t fix it. You broke it.

But the real kicker was the ending. After all the hollow promises, fake empathy, and shameless moral posturing, Hipkins gave his little rally cry. “We haven’t got a day to lose. Let’s get to work.”

Work? You lot wouldn’t recognise work if it smacked you in the face. The only thing Labour’s ever good at is PR, committee reviews, and getting absolutely bodied at the polls.

This speech wasn’t a campaign relaunch. It was a funeral procession for a party that still doesn’t know why it lost. Labour is the political equivalent of reheated doughboys. Bland, mushy, and pretending to be something it’s not.

They’re not a government-in-waiting. They’re a disaster in progress.

And still, somehow, they’re only the second worst party in Parliament. Well done, Greens. Still holding the title. I still wonder if Chippy knows what a woman is yet?

If anyone wants to read his word-sald it can be found here - https://www.labour.org.nz/speech_chris_hipkins_auckland_regional_conference