Greens call for urinals in all women’s bathrooms

To promote inclusion

In a move that has left plumbers baffled and taxpayers clutching their wallets, the Green Party has officially demanded the installation of urinals in every bathroom inside the Beehive - including those traditionally reserved for women.

Co-leaders Chlöe Swarbrick and Marama Davidson have declared the absence of urinals in women’s toilets a breach of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. According to the Green MPs, the current layout of Parliament’s restrooms is yet another example of colonial infrastructure upholding outdated binaries and denying basic urinary rights to marginalised communities.

“This is not just a plumbing issue, it is a constitutional issue,” Swarbrick announced at a press conference, standing proudly next to a symbolic urinal draped in a kākahu cloak. “When the Crown fails to provide equal access to urination facilities across gender spectrums, it is yet again violating its Treaty obligations.”

Davidson added, “For too long, Māori, takatāpui, trans, and non-binary people have been forced to navigate toilet spaces that cater only to Pākehā cisnormative bladders. We are demanding equity, one urinal at a time.”

Sources inside Parliament say the proposal was first flushed into motion by Green MP Benjamin Doyle, a queer activist (who lives with his female partner) known for his passionate stances on fluid identity - and, apparently, fluid disposal. Doyle reportedly raised the issue after an incident in which he was “misgendered” and left a women’s toilet in tears.

In a post to social media, Doyle explained his position: “I just want a safe space to piss in peace. Installing urinals in women's bathrooms isn’t just about comfort. it’s about reclaiming our right to stand and stream.”

He went on to say that the vision is much bigger than the Beehive. “One day, we’ll have urinals in every women’s toilet across Aotearoa. It’s about visibility for the zero percent of women who have penises. They matter too.”

Public reaction has ranged from confusion to disbelief. Critics of the plan argue that the Greens are, once again, laser-focused on the least pressing problems in the country. Te Pāti Māori responded by suggesting that perhaps the Greens could also install slip-n-slides for non-binary toddlers or gender-neutral bidets made of flax.

National MP Chris Bishop chuckled and said, “I thought it was a joke. Then I remembered it's the Green Party. Of course it’s real.”

The proposal, titled Te Ture o Te Tīmata Tūturu: The Inclusive Urinal Strategy, outlines a nationwide audit of all public bathrooms to assess “stream access inequality.” It includes funding for “gender-affirming urinal education workshops” and a TikTok campaign called #TouituTeWharepaku.

Construction estimates for the Beehive retrofit are still being assessed, but insiders say initial quotes suggest a price tag well into the seven figures, not including the culturally appropriate signage and “Treaty-compliant plumbing consultation hui.”

Still, the Greens are standing firm - and they want you standing too.

“This is what progress smells like,” said Davidson, as she flushed away centuries of gendered toilet oppression. “The future is inclusive. The future is eco-flush.”

No official response has come from the Speaker of the House, although Parliament’s janitorial staff have reportedly requested hazard pay

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