NZ Greens in mourning after Hamas commander injured

The Green Party of New Zealand has plunged into collective mourning following news that Tawfiq Abu Naim, a Hamas commander with a starring role in the October 7 attacks against Israel, was severely injured or may have even died, in recent airstrikes. The outpouring of grief from the Greens has left Auckland’s Myers Park looking like a cross between a poetry slam and a fruit market gone rogue.

Co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick was spotted in the park, rocking back and forth like a metronome set to "existential crisis," clutching a keffiyeh as if it were a life raft. Witnesses report she was chanting, “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free,” in a tone that suggested she was auditioning for a spoken-word album. Nearby, a curious pile of watermelon rinds formed what onlookers described as “a biodegradable shrine to solidarity.” One passerby, mistaking the scene for a farmers' market, asked if the watermelons were organic. They were - nothing less than fair-trade, cruelty-free fruit would do for such an occasion.

The Green Party’s reaction has raised eyebrows, given Hamas’s well-documented resume of targeting Israeli civilians with everything from suicide bombings to rocket barrages aimed at kindergartens and bus stops. For those keeping score, Hamas has been slapped with the “terrorist organisation” label by a global coalition that includes Australia, Canada, Paraguay, Israel, Japan, United Kingdom, United States, the entire European Union and even here in New Zealand It’s a list so long you’d think it was the guest list for an international sanctions gala. Yet, the Greens seem to have missed the memo, or perhaps they’ve decided that “terrorism” is just a vibe they’re willing to overlook in the name of solidarity.

Party insiders insist this is all part of their commitment to “nuanced international perspectives.” One anonymous member, sporting a tie-dye shirt and a hemp backpack, explained, “We’re not supporting Hamas, per se - we’re just really sad about anyone getting hurt, you know? Like, war is so not chill.” When pressed on why the party wasn’t holding similar vigils for Israeli civilians killed in the October 7 attacks, the member mumbled something about “needing more time to process the geopolitics” before offering a free yoga class pass as a distraction.

Meanwhile, Myers Park has become a pilgrimage site for the Greens’ most devoted supporters. A makeshift altar of incense sticks, recycled protest signs, and half-eaten falafel wraps has sprung up, with some attendees reportedly burning sage to “cleanse the imperialist energies.” One particularly enthusiastic supporter was seen attempting to liberate a nearby pigeon, declaring it a “symbol of Palestinian freedom,” only for the bird to promptly fly into a window and die.

Social media has been ablaze with reactions, ranging from bewildered to outright scathing. One X post summed it up: “Greens crying over a Hamas commander while munching watermelon is the most Auckland thing I’ve ever heard. Next they’ll be fundraising for his hospital bed via a vegan bake sale.” Another user quipped, “Chlöe’s keffiyeh probably cost more than my rent, unless Golriz “bought” it from Scotties Boutique for her. Solidarity’s looking bougie these days.”

As the sun set over Myers Park, the Greens vowed to continue their mourning period with a series of “decolonised mindfulness workshops” to process their grief. Rumour has it they’re also planning a spoken-word event titled “Odes to Resistance,” though organisers have yet to confirm whether watermelons will be provided. One thing’s for sure: in New Zealand’s political landscape, the Greens have once again proven they’re less a party and more a performance art installation - one with a peculiar fondness for fruit (hi Ben) and selective outrage.

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. Any resemblance to real events is purely coincidental and probably a bit awkward.